MOSSAD Announces Overhaul of Sharpshooter Program

MOSSAD has announced an overhaul of its sharpshooter program following recent lackluster field performance and failure to achieve mission objectives.

“Our sharpshooters should never miss,” stated Yershiv Genny, part-time MOSSAD spokesperson and full-time war criminal. “A civil war is the best revenue-generating option for us,” he continued. Genny expressed his frustration that the homegrown domestic terrorist narrative was no longer effective, prompting them to explore new tactics.

William J. Burns, director of the CIA, confirmed that they are no longer collaborating with MOSSAD on the mission, codenamed “Au-bain Ve-khamesh” (45 in Hebrew). The partnership ended due to disagreements on how to frame the story against the local Muslim population.

In response, the United Nations announced it would host a series of workshops titled “Crisis Creation for Dummies.” Guest speakers promise to cover topics such as “Manufacturing Consent: The Art of Media Manipulation” and “Proxy Wars 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Destabilizing Regions.” Attendees will also receive a complimentary handbook, “How to Profit from Perpetual Conflict,” sponsored by the IDF.